Riders of the Red Dawn
by dead drifter
Summary: AU. The Akatsuki are a gang of outlaws in the wild west. They end up shacking up in a dying town called El Suna, where the leader of the group, Pein, falls head over boot heels for a pretty little whore named Konan. Crack humor, romance, het, shounen ai
1. Fight Over a Dead Horse

**Riders of the Red Dawn **

**Chapter 1: Fight over a Dead Horse **

**Disclaimer: I don't own nuthin.' Ditto for following chapters. **

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El Suna, population 300. Like every day in this dusty old town, it was hot and dry and dead. Not much happened in El Suna, unless you counted the nightly bar fights in Sake Saloon. But one day, a host of nine riders came to town…little old El Suna would never be the same…

"Hey, get me another beer, Stumpy," a man with a bandanna over his face said.

"For the last God damned time, cowboy, my name ain't Stumpy. It's Stumbleton."

The old man with the bandanna grabbed 'Stumpy' by his beard and yanked him over the bar and onto the floor.

"I ain't a cowboy, Stumpy. Cowboys herd flea bitten cows across the country. I don't herd a God damned thing…I—"

"Jashin damned thing, old fuck, NOT God…"

"Hidan, I am not going to have this argument with you again. Shut the hell up or I'll lynch ya."

The silver haired man who had interrupted flicked the old man off. He was sitting at a table with three other men, playing cards and guzzling down warm beer.

"Don't bother Kakuzu now, ya hear? He just might do it," A man with piercings all along his nose said, not looking away from his cards.

"Yeah, Hidan, un! He's still mad at you for mutilating the bounty he was supposed to turn in."

"Quit wasting time, brat, and put down your cards," Sasori said.

Deidara set down his cards, and everyone groaned. Deidara beamed and took the pile of money in the middle of the table.

"Hey, Stumpy, when you get up off the floor, get my buddies another round! I'm buyin', un!"

"You heard him, get me some more booze," Kakuzu growled, picking the old bartender up and tossing him back over the bar. Stumpy grumbled, but he got the beers…

Kisame and Itachi were out on the porch of the Sake Saloon, watching two old drunk men brawl in the street.

"You sold me a sick horse!" the shorter one yelled.

"It only died cuz you didn't feed it, you stupid twat!" the taller one said.

"This town is pretty lively compared to the last one, no?" Kisame drawled, chewing on a strand of straw. The dark haired man leaning against a wooden beam simply nodded and uttered a soft 'Hn.'

"That's only because we killed everyone in the last one, un," Deidara answered, strolling out of the saloon with a shit eating grin on his face.

"I think it's time we got outta here, un."

Itachi narrowed his red eyes but didn't turn away from the two brawling men.

"And why is that?" Kisame asked, looking worried. Deidara just shrugged.

"I won a good amount of money, and I was hoping we could ride out to Las Vegas, un!"

"Las Vegas? That's over two hundred miles away!" Kisame said, eyes bulging. Deidara shrugged. Sasori suddenly walked outside and scowled at the blond.

"Where are you off to?" he asked. Deidara just kicked at a rock with the point of his boot.

"No where, un." Sasori didn't look pleased.

"You have a major gambling problem, Deidara, and it needs to stop!"

"Oh…I see…you want to go all the way to Vegas because there ain't no casino in old El Suna, huh?"

Deidara sighed tragically.

"No…no casino for hundreds of miles…I don't know if I'll make it, un."

Sasori clapped Deidara on the back, and dust billowed up from his coat. Sasori started to cough.

"Whoo wee! You need to get those dusty old clothes washed!"

"Yeah, later, un. Maybe you'd like to wager on who'll win that fight? I bet on the short one with the stupid mustache. He's got some fire in him, un!"

Sasori looked over to the old men still fighting over a dead horse, and nodded.

"All right. Ten dollars says the tall one wins."

"Hey, I'll bet twenty dollars that the short one pushes the tall one over that dead horse," Kisame said.

Itachi tipped his hat back a little and pulled a fifty dollar bill out of his wallet.

"The chibi Hitler will win. I guarantee it."

And so, the first illegal act of the Riders of the Red Dawn in old El Suna was betting on a fight over a dead horse. The rest of the riders soon wandered outside to watch the show. Well, Zetsu didn't watch. The strange cactus/ man hybrid was off in the open plain, chatting up a cactus with a single red flower perched atop her/ its head.

"Hey, where'd you get the fucking pop corn?" Hidan asked the orange masked man, Tobi.

"That nice old lady gave me some!" Tobi said happily, waving at a woman across the dusty old street that was practically popping out of her corset. Hidan's pink eyes bulged when he saw the sign above the door the woman was leaning out of: Aburame Bed & Brothel. A girl with a triple bun peeked out behind the woman and blew a kiss at Hidan, who blushed and looked away. Unfortunately, when he looked away, he ended up facing Kakuzu instead.

"You should go say hello," Kakuzu said with a chuckle. Hidan threw his hat at Kakuzu.

"What the fuck, man, seriously! I'm a priest, I don't fuck whores! And neither should you!"

Kakuzu shook his head.

"Don't have to worry about me fucking no whores."

"Oh? Why is that, Kakuzu-san?" Tobi asked, stuffing popcorn into his eyehole.

"He doesn't like girls, un," Deidara whispered behind his hand.

"What?! Are you telling me my bunk mate is a fucking queer?" Hidan asked, glaring at the man with a bandanna over his face. Kakuzu rolled his eyes. Before the oldest member of the Riders could respond, there was a loud bang and a yell, and everyone turned to see that the two old brawling men had shot each other.

"Who won, un? I missed it!" Deidara said.

"Did anyone see?" Kisame asked, looking around at the group. Everyone shrugged, Itachi said nothing which meant 'no' or possibly 'I'm going to kill you in your sleep,' but Tobi raised his hand.

"Tobi saw!"

"Oh good! Who won?" Kisame prompted, gesturing with his piece of straw at the two old men lying on the ground by the dead horse.

"Hm…the one with the hat!" Tobi said, pointing a buttery glove at the dead horse.

"You idiot, they're both wearing hats! This is a fucking western, we all fucking wear hats!"

"Um…then it was the old one!"

There was a rush of wind and out of no where, a dead horse landed on top of Tobi.

"Who threw that?" Pein yelled, looking pointedly at Kakuzu. The old man shrugged.

"What?"

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**A/N: The population 300 thing made me laugh, cuz I was thinking of the movie! XD**

**Next chapter: Aburame Bed & Brothel! Konan makes her appearance!**


	2. Aburame Bed and Brothel

**Riders of the Red Dawn **

**Chapter 2: Aburame Bed & Brothel **

**A/N: New divider thingie! And…next chapter should be funnier, I hope. I got too overwhelmed with all the damned whores this time around! **

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The Aburame Bed & Brothel was nice, cozy and had a few…extras most other Inns didn't have. Instead of a mint on your pillow, you got a condom. And if you paid ten dollars extra, you got a night with a whore of your choice. Kakuzu sure as hell didn't want to pay the extra ten dollars for a whore he and his partner didn't want, but the girl who had blown a kiss at Hidan kept badgering about it.

"I can do some AMAZING things with my fan, rosy eyes!" she cooed at Hidan, flapping her giant fan in the priest's face. Hidan had to use every ounce of will he had not to slap the woman into next Thursday.

"I ain't interested!"

"Oh, stop bothering these guys, Temari! It's obvious that they're queer!" a blue haired woman hissed, tugging on Temari's skirt. Hidan's face turned bright red, his hand automatically inching towards the gun on his hip. The blue haired woman caught the action and grabbed her friend's hand.

"Let's…just…git on out of here!" the bluenette insisted again. Temari sighed heavily.

"Well, if you change your mind, I'll be downstairs in the bar!"

Temari sauntered off, swinging her hips. The bluenette smiled, curtsied and followed off after her friend. Hidan closed the door and leaned against it, letting out an exaggerated sigh.

"Why the hell does everyone think I'm queer?" Hidan said, glaring at Kakuzu. The old man sat down on his bed and pulled off his boots, keeping decidedly quiet…

Temari and Konan made their way down the corridor when a door opened and a man with orange hair and his face full of metal leaned out of the doorway, smoking a cigarette and tipping his hat to the two women. They made their way hastily by him but he flung out an arm and grabbed Konan's skirt. He pulled her back and she smacked him.

"That's no way to treat a lady!" she said haughtily. Pein nodded, let Konan go and reached into his back pocket. He pulled out one hundred dollars and waved it in her face.

"The going rate is ten dollars, purty lady. I'm offering you ten times that amount. What do you say?"

Konan blushed, looked to Temari, who nodded vigorously and pushed the bluenette towards Pein. Konan sighed.

"Fine, I'll take your filthy money. But don't you dare kiss me, I don't want to get snagged on those outlandish bolts in your face."

"Fair enough. Right this way," Pein said politely, taking off his hat and bowing Konan into his bedroom. Temari winked at Pein as he closed the door behind them and skipped down the stairs.

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"Why won't you take off your mask?" a boy's voice said, pouting. Tobi chuckled.

"It's glued on, silly! Now take off that skirt, pretty boy!"

Sai giggled and slowly started to strip, tugging off his lacy gloves first…

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While some of the Akatsuki were enjoying a little company, Sasori was sprawled on his bed, alone, tinkering with an old porcelain doll when his door opened. A girl with dark blue hair and pale eyes walked in, giggling and slurring her speech. When she noticed Sasori she blushed and fumbled for the door.

"Oh, I-I'm s-s-sorry! Wrong room!" she said hastily. Sasori sat up.

"No, it's alright."

The girl paused with her hand on the doorknob and looked at the doll in Sasori's hands.

"I had one of those when I was younger," the girl said, blushing even darker.

"Are you so sure?" Sasori said with a smile…

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Kisame and Itachi were in their room splashing in the bathtub and clinking glasses. No whores for them. Kisame had wanted to scoot a little closer but Itachi was all business.

"The train should roll through at about 10 o'clock sharp," Itachi said before taking a sip of his whiskey. He would have looked serious but for the fact that he was surrounded by soap bubbles and had a rubber duck perched atop his head. Kisame sighed and drained his glass.

"Yep. We barely got to enjoy this little ole town and we already have to leave."

"We could wake up early and hang some of the townsfolk if you like," Itachi said. Kisame lathered up his hair in silence, imagining old Mayor Sarutobi swinging in the wind.

"That might be fun," Kisame mused. Itachi nodded and scrubbed at his back. Kisame watched the dark haired man struggle to reach.

"Let me get that for you, Itachi."

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Deidara was downstairs in the little bar/ lobby, entertaining the unoccupied…entertainment. He had his hat perched at an odd angle on his head, a cigarette clamped between his lips and his chair leaned back, teetering on just two legs.

"So I shot the snakey ole bastard right between the eyes, un!"

The girls gasped in shock. Temari fanned her face rapidly while Rin clamped her hands to her face.

"Oh my, did you really shoot him?" Sakura said, wide eyed. The blond with whore's blossoms all around her face smacked her upside the head.

"Of course he did! He's a wanted man, didn't ya see the poster at old Monkey Punch?"

"Monkey Punch…un?" Deidara asked with a quizzical look on his face. The herpes ridden blond nodded vigorously.

"Yeah, it's what we call the jail house. The Mayor punched the Sheriff in the face once, and since he looks like a monkey…it's been known as Monkey Punch ever since. Ooh and you know what?" the blond went on, now talking in a low voice and leaning her head in closer. Deidara leaned farther back. Sakura rolled her eyes.

"No one wants to hear gossip, Ino pig! Go flirt with Bug Eyes over yonder. Maybe he likes STD's!"

Shino, deemed Bug Eyes by the town, sighed sadly as he swept up broken glass in a corner.

"Why you bitch!" Ino cried and lunged at Sakura. The two started rolling around on the floor and screaming at each other. Sakura aimed a fist at Ino's diseased face and missed, punching a hole in the floor instead. Drunkards started to whistle and throw money at the fighting girls.

Deidara took a swig of his drink and went back to his story.

"Anyways, as I was saying…I shot that old bastard in the head, but he weren't dead. Oh no, un."

The girls still listening gasped again, clearly interested.

"Nope. He lived."

"How?!" Ino asked, looking up after kneeing Sakura in the gut. Deidara snorted and pointed at his forehead.

"Metal plate, un."

"Wow…"

"Quit looking away, you whore!" Sakura screamed and nailed Ino in the face. Ino pulled out some of Sakura's hair.

"Look who's talking!" Ino snarled. Money was snowing down on the two girls, and the matron of the brothel, Tsunade, ran over to shove the bills in her corset.

"Yeah, he's after my blood now, un," Deidara went on, determined to keep an audience.

"Oh you poor thing!" another whore cried shrilly, clinging to Deidara's arm and batting her eyelashes at him. Deidara grimaced and pulled away. She also had red sores on her face. El Suna wasn't known for its cleanliness, after all.

"Un…but don't worry, I got my posse to back me up if he sets his gang on me."

There was a shrill cry and everyone turned to see Hinata run down the stairs. She tripped over the fighting girls and skidded on the ground. Temari helped her to her feet.

"What's wrong?"

Deidara pouted as no one was paying attention to him anymore.

"That…that Irishman…Sasori…he's…h-he's…"

The blond man snorted with laughter and the other whores turned to him.

"Did he show you his doll collection, un?"

Hinata nodded, wiping at her eyes. Deidara put out his cigarette and started to walk over to the girl, his boot heels thudding loudly on the wood floor. He noticed Sasori at the top of the stairs but kept his gaze focused on Hinata.

"Don't you worry none, little lady, un, we'll soon be out of here, faster than you can say…"

"Train's a comin'!" a raspy voice yelled over Deidara. The blond turned to see a cactus wrapped in an overcoat standing in the doorway. Some of the whores screamed and hid behind the bar. The drunk men drew their weapons.

"What are you talking about, un?" Deidara asked as Zetsu approached.

"The train, it's coming already…saw it about a hundred miles back."

"**Should be at the station soon…" **the dark half of Zetsu said. There were gasps of "witchcraft" and "DAAAAAAMN!" at the sight of the strange humanoid cactus. They were ignored, however.

"Holy shinobi, Danna, didja hear that, un?"

Sasori nodded and silently went to go alert the rest of the Riders.

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To be continued…


End file.
